13. Ask a Mexican! is a great column with salty Spanish terms and phrases. Can I understand any of them? No.

12. When my sister was a pre-teen, my father once called her an asshole, likely in response to her acting like an asshole. It was only the second or third time we’d heard him cuss, so the memory kind of sticks. My sister is still indignant and feels the reverberations of the trauma. Had he used the equivalent in Serbian, no one would’ve been the wiser.

11. Your friends will listen to your inane comments about your cat/boyfriend’s proclivities/work stressors for 10 minutes longer if they can’t understand one word you’re saying.

10. Everyone knows that your online dating profile is 23% more appealing if you’re bilingual.

9. Riding Seattle’s #7 bus would—I know it’s hard to believe, but it’s true!—be an even more enriching, enlightening, world microcosm-y, life-changing commute.  

8. Si capirà il nothings dolci del tuo amante italiano. O, alternativamente, devi sapere che il tuo “italiano” di interesse non è così italiano.

7. Say you’re at the airport in Chicago, and the too-loud 24-hour news channel shows breaking news about the latest all-too-horrific serial killer or the girl kidnapped in 1989 impregnated 7 times by her captor. Words can’t express the feelings of repulsion, but it’s a small relief to hear a stream of incomprehensible Greek from the guy four seats down, imagining that that his words convey more appropriately the human reaction than your mere facial expression.  

6. Rumor has it that knowing Chinese can help you prevent eating Chinese puppies with innocent dewey eyes and miniature puppy-dog tails that commence hopeful wagging when they hear your voice. Speaking in their mother tongue.

5. You can change world affairs. Does anyone really think American presidents have been anything but monolingual? I don’t think so. (“Ich bin ein Berliner” doesn’t promise fluent German). So when translators interpreted America’s official apology to China for the spycraft incident as being “extremely, incredibly, almost incomprehensibly and forever indebted to you, and we will give you free corn and Paris Hilton (so sorry;)!” instead of the staid, more true-to-form, “we regret any inconvenience,” China was so pleased that it made Paris Hilton a statue, shrugged off Communism, and created a strong agri-tourism market. Applause for translators, por favor!

4. You’ll be the star on Diversity Day, when your white skin will belie the wealth of Arabic pop songs you’ve memorized and will sing non-stop for 27 minutes on the karaoke machine after 2 glasses of Merlot and the prompting of the head accountant.

3. So, one time I was in Mexico trying to order a delicious waffle cone-type dessert deliciousness with nutella. Salivating much, are we? The vendor asks me a question, I answer in the affirmative, and BAM, before I could say hot tamale con carne, I had cheese on my once-delicious waffle cone and nutella combination.

2. There is a direct correlation between people who take language classes and people who win $1 million+ lottery jackpots. Coincidence? I think not.

1. You don’t speak English.