1. It’s probably toxic shock syndrome. Unless you’re a dude, in which case it probably isn’t.

2. Have you considered the animal protein in your diet? It’s undoubtedly slowly poisoning you through a) the toxins the animals were force-fed (like antibiotics and so on) and b) the fear that seeped into their fibers while being slaughtered and now digested by you.

3. Maybe you should drink more water.

4. You don’t feel a conscious stress, but did you know that stress can be an under-the-radar affliction sometimes only diagnosed by your holistic physician, herbalist, or neighborhood eccentric who often goes by affectionate nicknames like “Crazy Mark,” “Scarf Man,” or “Bag Lady with Fifty Scrunchies?” Identify your stress and your headache can disappear like morality on The Bad Girls Club.

5. It’s likely that due to environmental factors, your age, and your realization that you will never own real estate and therefore become a true “adult” by many definitions and standards, that the ache in your head will become your constant companion. Welcome to the new normal, and please keep your complaints to a minimum as to minimize a similar problem in those around you.